Sunday, February 3, 2013

Advice Parents Should Give Their Children

I don’t mean advice about how putting Tab A into Slot B leads to babies.

For girls, this is what parents should tell them:

You are not a Princess and there is no Mr. Perfect. And if there is a Mr. Perfect, what makes you think you’re good enough for him?

Your “standards” just might be ridiculous, and if you babble about “not lowering them” I’m going to smack you across the back of the head. You deserve it.

You don’t have your entire life to find Mr. Perfect, or Mr. Half-Perfect, or even Mr. Quarter-Perfect. Whether you believe it or not, once you’re past about 27 your value to most men drops like a rock. It's called "hitting the wall" and I've seen some women hit it so hard so hard their heads have come out the other side.

Drug-abusing promiscuous party girls are not marriage-material to men. You’re just a fun time to them – nothing more. You can delude yourself you marriage material, but you'll find out you're not - and you will find out the hardest of hard ways: by ending up alone with a cat and delusions about filling the void with your "career."

If you think you can raise a boy without a husband you’ll probably find out why the word “bastard” means “a fatherless boy” and “a cruel heartless man.”

And if your son asks you why he doesn’t have a father, don’t spout some bullshit about “how I loved you so much I didn’t think you needed a father.” At the minimum he’ll call you a fucking liar (which you are) and tell you he hates you (which he does). At the maximum...well, let’s just say you might end up hurt.

You can’t fix Bad Boys and they don’t love you anyway no matter how much you con yourself they do.

If you whine about “How there are no good men” just remember where you left them – back in your 20s. And don't blame all your problems on men. Look in the mirror for a good long time.

If a guy you’re interested in doesn’t ask you out it won’t kill you to suggest to him they maybe you’d like to get a cup of coffee. Don't expect to have all the advantages of men and women and none of the responsibilities.

The word “spinster’ is not a compliment. It means your ovaries have shriveled up, along with everything else.

Now, here’s some advice for boys:

The word for a man who spends his life trying to seduce as many women as possible is a “cad.” Cads end up alone no matter how much they con themselves they won’t. They're also cowards who cover up their cowardice and insecurity with a bunch of charm and manipulation.

Kick your White Knight to the curb. You can’t fix crazy women no matter how much you’re hard-wired to fix things.

If any woman doesn’t show any gratitude and appreciation to you kick her to the curb. If she doesn't show any gratitude toward you, and blames her problems on you, then she doesn't have any love or respect for you, and thinks you're disposable. I've seen these women end up as spinsters with cats because their ovaries have shriveled up.

If they run don’t chase them. Throw their clothes after them and close the door in case they realize how childish they are, change their minds and try to get back in.

If you can’t wake up next to her every morning for the rest of your life and be glad she’s there, it’s not love.

There are plenty of girls on the Girl Tree.

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